


Five Times an Avenger Wanted to Know Phil's Middle Name, and that One Time They all Found Out

by liberalistempor



Category: Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, The Avengers (2012), The Avengers - All Fandoms
Genre: 5+1, M/M, Other, one terrible (but appropriate) pun, the avengers are curious cats
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-13
Updated: 2012-07-13
Packaged: 2017-11-09 21:15:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,510
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/458513
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/liberalistempor/pseuds/liberalistempor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What that "J" means in, "Agent Phillip J Coulson."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Five Times an Avenger Wanted to Know Phil's Middle Name, and that One Time They all Found Out

_**Tony** _

“Agent Coulson. Agent Phillllllip J. Coulson. Agent Phillip Jaaaay Coulson.” 

“May I help you with something, Mr. Stark?” Coulson asks, looking up from his pile of paperwork. Accumulated from Tony's last jaunt in the Iron Man suit. Through several buildings. Because it was the, “fastest” route. While remaining perfectly expressionless, he could somehow still communicate how he was not interested in pursuing this line of conversation. Tony plows ahead with his most charming smile.

“JARVIS and I were looking-” 

“Hacking.”

“Such an ugly word,” Tony says, a casual wave of his hand, as if he could dispel the word from the air around them. “Well, we were perusing through the personnel files, and JARVIS managed to bring up _yours._ ” 

Coulson maintains his best, “get-to-the-point” look. Tony's seen it often.

“You've done a lot of things someone doesn't want people to see,” Tony says, wagging his finger and giving Coulson a sly grin. “Have you been a naughty Agent?” 

“Nothing worse than killing the odd civilian who wouldn’t tell me straight the meaning he's trying to bring to the table,” Phil says, and for one horrified moment Tony believes him, before brightening again. 

“The redacted things are always the most interesting,” he says wistfully. “But there was one space that looked incredibly weird sporting the black line of truth and shady government secrets. Your name. Your middle name, specifically.” 

“I fail to see why you're so fascinated with this,” Phil says, going back to filling out paperwork. It seemed like they had copulated and multiplied during his short, meaningless conversation. 

“It's your middle name! What is so mysterious about that one little fact that would make someone redact it on your own personnel forms?” 

“Absolutely no idea.” He reads part of the report, taking delight in using his (less critically colored, according to some recent team seminar) purple pen to cross out several key sections of Tony's report, thus creating a perfect escape for himself and his sanity. “You need to fill out a new form.” He hands back the old one, and feels oddly like an over-burdened English professor at term paper time. 

“We'll find out,” Tony says, accepting the paper absently. “We will.” 

“You have good luck with that,” Coulson responds. “Really. I look forward to you finding out.” 

“You bet your sweet government-issued pants I will.” He stands. “Challenge accepted, Agent Agent Coulson. JARVIS?” 

It should be no surprise that the AI is already installed in his office. This is what his life has been reduced to. Phil stills his pen for a moment to mourn his previous sanity and serenity. 

“Yes, sir.” 

“Find it. Run everything to the ground. Take no cybernetic prisoners.”

“I'm afraid you need Level Eight clearance for that action, sir.” 

“JARVIS?”

“It is a protocol.” 

“I understand that. But that's a SHIELD protocol. Not ours. JARVIS, are you hanging out with the wrong crowd?” 

“No, sir. I continue to hang only with you, Pepper, Agent Coulson, and the rest of the Avengers Initiative.” 

“This isn't the last of this!” Tony says, pointing his failed paperwork back at Phil. He doesn't even flinch, continuing to read the entertaining, if in need of a dire rewrite, report of Thor's. “Mark my words, Agent!”

“Yes, Mr. Stark,” he says with his standard bland tone that comes with every SHIELD employment package. 

“JARVIS. You mark my words.” 

“Consider them marked for a future occasion, sir.”

[PAGE BREAK]

_**Steve** _

“I've been curious about something, Agent Coulson,” he starts. “Tony was muttering about it a few weeks ago, and it seemed weird for him.” 

“Yes, Captain Rogers?” Phil looks up from his coffee, watching Steve from across the kitchen island. Phil had recently been moved into the Avenger's living space, as it had become apparent none of them knew how to maintain domestic order amongst the six of them. The thought of correspondence with Supernanny crosses his mind for a moment, before moving it aside. Not enough coffee yet.

“Call me Steve, please,” he says. “Actually, that's what I wanted to talk with you about. Your middle name. Tony was muttering about it in his sleep.” 

“And you got curious?” He takes another large gulp before topping it off again. The extra could only help. 

“Well...yes. I didn't know why he was thinking about it, but...” 

“That information is Level Eight classification,” he says, putting his mug down, if only to grab some bread to toast. 

“Why is it classified so heavily?” 

“I can tell you I have absolutely no idea why Tony Stark would be muttering about my middle name in my sleep. I don't know what Tony does in his sleep.” He grabs the jam from the fridge, and sees Steve's face go an interesting shade of tomato.

“Consider it dropped, sir.”

“I will.” 

[PAGE BREAK]

_**Natasha** _

She wanders into his office, plopping down on his couch as if she owns the rooms. And if she really wanted to, she probably could. He doesn't move from Clint's SIT-REP, too much of a surprise it's actually sitting on his desk for a change. 

“What is your middle name, Phil?” She asks him with a calm ease, possibly her deadliest weapon.

“What is with everyone and that particular inquiry?” he asks, idly correcting another spelling error. 

“I asked my question first.” 

“I'm afraid I cannot answer that, Agent Romanova.” 

“You will be afraid. I will find out.” 

“I hold you to it. You will be a poor asset to the espionage and information department if you didn't.” He moves to the next section, and a knife plants itself in the first word of the sentence, but when he looks up she has already disappeared. 

[PAGE BREAK]

_**Bruce** _

“This might be old news,” he says idly as Phil and he are going through a quarterly report of his experiments. “But someone was talking about the mysteriousness of your middle name.” 

“The last time it was mentioned to me it was 2012.” 

“Oh.” Bruce frowns. “That was a couple years ago.”

“Three and a half.” 

“Never mind, then. It's not important. Now, this gamma procedure...”

[PAGE BREAK]

_**Thor** _

FRIEND SON OF COUL.

Who taught you how to text? 

IT WAS BEDMATE BRUCE, AND LAB COMPANION FRIEND TONY. MERRILY, HOW DID THOU KNOW IT WAS I? I DO NOT REMEMBER COMMUNICATING WITH YOU THUSLY.

It was a little apparent. Also, I do not need to know the status of your relationship with Dr. Banner. 

HO, BUT IT IS PART OF HIS ADDRESS! 

Did you need something? 

YES. BEDMATE BRUCE WROTE IT ON A SMALL PIECE OF MIDGARDIAN TREE. HE HAD WRITTEN A REMINDER TO INQUIRE UPON YOUR SECOND NAME.

How old was this piece of...tree?

I DO NOT KNOW. I DISCOVERED IT WHEN I FINALLY ATTEMPTED YOUR MACHINE OF CLEANLINESS FOR VESTMENTS. 

So pretty old.

IT IS MOST LIKELY, FRIEND SON OF COUL. 

Thor...you really don't need to worry that much about that.

THEN I SHALL NOT, THOUGH NOW THAT WE HAVE REACHED THIS SUBJECT OF CONVERSATION, I FIND MYSELF CURIOUS. 

Did I tell you I was picking up Pop-Tarts and coffee for the Tower on the way home? 

LO, WHAT A FRIEND INDEED YOU ARE, SON OF COUL! HOW FORTUNATE THE TOWER IS TO HAVE A RESIDENT SUCH AS YOU! 

[PAGE BREAK]

_**(+1)** _

“Clinton Francis Barton...I love you. The time we've already shared, the time I can't wait to spend with you, I treasure all of it. You're so amazing, every little part of you. I can't express how much I love you, how much I need you with me. I promise to stay with you as long as you will have me, to keep you safe, to protect you no matter what anyone tries to throw at us. We've already proved that no god can separate us, even in death. I'm in love with you, for ever and ever.” 

The small audience smiles. It's a small ceremony, the Avengers, the X-Men, the Fantastic Four. Some members of SHIELD. Hardly a dry eye can be seen in the room. Even Fury is smiling, as he turns to Clint. 

“And you?”

“Philip Justice Coulson-” 

“What?!” Tony yells. Steve smacks him. The room can tell he wasn't pulling his punches. 

“Tony!” Steve hisses. 

“HIS MIDDLE NAME IS JUSTICE!” Tony responds, not quietly at all. “No one can keep that secret and not expect something like this!” He points a finger at Phil, accusatory as all hell. “You can't blame me for this.” 

“I can,” Natasha says, from Clint's side. Her glare is almost as deadly as Fury's. Neither of them can match Clint's or Phil's. “Be silent, or I will silence you.” 

“My shock is perfectly justified,” Tony retorts. “Agent-Agent Coulson would know.” Steve rolls his eyes, and starts dragging him out of the room, making profuse apologies for Tony's outburst. “Hey, wait, I wanna see this to the end. It's a beautiful ceremony, very lovely-” The door slams. 

“JUSTICE HAS PREVAILED, BUT NOT FOR LONG!” the room hears, muffled behind the door, as they resume the ceremony.

**Author's Note:**

> I was thinking about all the possibilities his middle name could be, and this one was the most absurd. So I had to write a fic about it. And then throw in the couples, because I think they're cute.


End file.
